he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
