dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
