last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
