we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
