I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
