My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
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