I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
