When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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