According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
