I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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