i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
