Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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