Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
