The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
