and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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