well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
