His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
