you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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