Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
