I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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