First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i think i have herpe
just one?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
