i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
