I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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