1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
