dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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