Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
