If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
