I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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