dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
