I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
