I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
