if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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