I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
