Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
