apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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