On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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