dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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