Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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