i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's just like the Real World with babies
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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