checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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