i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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