from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if only i could text you this smell
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
