I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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