we're chasing vodka with high fives
People in love make me want to vomit
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
