what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
