just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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