I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
