My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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