i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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