last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
