dude i'm inner monologue high
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We talked him into tasing himself.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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