i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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