M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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