i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
