remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am midnight drunk by noon
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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