seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
