she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
