2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize