new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
sarcasm needs its own font
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
