wanna go halves on a baby?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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