they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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