My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
