thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
